


fool yourself into a lie (let the cold seep through)

by r0uen



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Character Study, Cold, Delusions, Depression, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, drv3 chapter 1 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:48:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25234936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r0uen/pseuds/r0uen
Summary: Shuichi just watched the only two friends he had in this place die right in front of him.He wonders what they wish they could've done.
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede & Saihara Shuichi, Amami Rantaro & Saihara Shuichi, Amami Rantaro/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	fool yourself into a lie (let the cold seep through)

**Author's Note:**

> ryan writes more angst because fiction is his main coping mechanism!!!!  
> listen to the song "how to never stop being sad" by dandelion hands while reading this, it amplifies the experience.  
> anyway enjoy plz!!!
> 
> cw for mentions of death, mental health issues, n similar stuff. shuichi's going through a lot here :(

"Rantaro, what was it like to die?"

To any outsider, it must look like Shuichi's gone crazy. He's sitting in a completely empty room, lying face up on his bed.

But he's not alone. Amami Rantaro is right there, leaning against Shuichi's dresser in that casual way of his, his face a mask of calm interest. 

The room is freezing cold (he turned the air on so he could feel something other than the numbness burning in his chest) but Rantaro isn't bothered by it. He simply shifts, staring at the blank ceiling as he contemplates the question.

Shuichi notices his hair isn't moving, despite how it's right below the vent, and he isn't sure if that thought is comforting or concerning. 

"It was strange." Shuichi sits up to watch him speak. He notices how Rantaro's fingers drum random patterns onto the dresser he is sitting on, and it vaguely sounds like Claire de Lune. Or maybe he's just thinking too much about it.

"Dying isn't what you would expect. It wasn't some dramatic moment where time slowed down and my life flashed before my eyes. But I did remember some important things." He turns more towards Shuichi, and the life in his eyes has been replaced with a stark emptiness. He's a ghost, a husk, a shell, and Shuichi almost feels bad for a moment before remembering Rantaro is already dead.

"I read somewhere once that you lose your concept of time during your final moments, so the end can be as long as you want." Rantaro's twisting one of the rings on his fingers, and Shuichi watches his hands. The twisting is slow and rhythmic and calming and real, unlike everything else he's feeling.

"What they said was true, I think. It sure as hell didn't feel like I died instantly. It was... it felt like someone was tucking me into bed."

Shuichi lifts his eyes from Rantaro's hands to his face and he is met with a hollow stare.

"I thought about my sisters. How stupid I must be, dying before I ever have a chance to reunite with them. I'll be nothing to them but a shitty older brother who loved them so little he didn't even try to find them when they were lost. But that's obviously not true, since I did try to find them. I've always tried. I always will try, but I'll never find them." He smiles, angular and harsh and out of place on a calm face. "I really am the Ultimate Useless Older Brother."

"Rantaro-"

"I thought about you guys, too. I thought about how I thought we could be friends, but I died before that could happen. I wanted to be like a big brother to you guys, but I failed. I failed like I do every time. I thought about everyone- Kaede and Gonta and Korekiyo and Tsumugi and Kokichi and Himiko and Angie and all of the other people trapped in here." His voice is soft, pensive. "I thought about you the most."

Shuichi cocks his head in confusion. "Why? I'm nothing special."

"Have you ever kissed a boy, Shuichi?"

The question was so unrelated and unexpected Shuichi couldn't help but stutter and look away. A blush blossomed on a face hidden behind pale, thin hands.

Rantaro let out a laugh. It was ugly, nothing like it was when he was alive. It was choked and wheezy and grated on his hears.

But Shuichi wanted to hear it all the same.

"I remember, lying there, dying, thinking 'Man, I wish I had kissed a boy before I died.' It's selfish, and kinda lame, but it's always been something I've wanted to do." Rantaro's demeanor has changed into something looser, more casual. His eyes seem a bit more full than they were before.

"I've kissed girls before. I had to- I had no clue how to even process being attracted to other guys. But it was so boring. There were no fireworks, no explosions. It didn't feel like something from a music video. It felt fake and forced." His smile has turned wistful. "But I know kissing guys wouldn't be like that."

"How do you know?"

"I've imagined kissing them before, Shuichi. Plenty of times. I've imagined kissing them and cuddling them and holding them and hugging them and holding their hands underneath the table. I've never had that easy intimacy with anyone before. But I want it- God, I want it so bad. How lame is that- it's my dying moments and I spend it thinking about how much I want to kiss a guy."

Shuichi can't help but want to comfort the apparition in front of him, so he tries- "I can't blame you, Rantaro. It sounds like something you wanted."

"It was."

Rantaro stands, and his legs seem unfit to support him. But he walks anyway, walks over to the end of Shuichi's bed and sits beside him. 

Shuichi can't feel the warmth Rantaro should give off. He just feels emptiness.

But he tries to imagine the warmth anyway.

"There was this one guy I really wanted to kiss," Rantaro admits. One of his hands had come to rest on top of Shuichi's, a cold, empty weight that feels so perfect yet so out of place.

In another world, he imagines they held hands a lot.

"Who was it?" The question is meek, and he meets Rantaro's eyes with no small amount of courage.

"It was you," Rantaro admits, not at all worried. He grins at the blush appearing on Shuichi's face, and it seems so real that he almost forgets that Rantaro is hollow. Almost allows himself to pretend Rantaro is real. 

"Why- why me?"

"You're handsome, Shuichi. Very much so. Especially when you don't have your hat on."

Shuichi blushes deeper as Rantaro slings an arm around his shoulder, and they fall backwards onto the bed, staring at an empty ceiling.

They're holding hands- it comes as a shock to Shuichi, but a welcome one, and the boy besides him feels so close to being real, but in actuality he couldn't be farther. As he turns to admire Rantaro's face, he can almost ignore the way his hair seems a bit see-through.

"I was so cold, Shuichi." Rantaro is still staring at the ceiling, and his eyes are wet with uncried tears. "I was so cold and alone, dying on the library floor. It seeped into my bones, froze me from the inside out." 

"I thought about a lot of things before I finally died, but the last thing I wanted was to just be warm."

A stray tear escapes onto Rantaro's cheek, and Shuichi ignores how it's the precise shade of blood. He engulfs Rantaro in a hug, trying to fulfill his dying wish, trying to help him be warm as hollow arms rest gently on his back.

He can feel Rantaro's hollowness, feel the coldness seeping through his bones, feel the pain and emptiness and sadness and numbness. He feels it all, and he stays there, hugging Rantaro.

He stays there, hugging hollow air, feeling the emptiness around him, until he's cold all the way through. 


End file.
